dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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