were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
