Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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