Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
