if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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