My underwear smells like fireworks.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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