Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
