Umm I'm too high to move.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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