I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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