I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
