Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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