I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
