I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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