i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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