Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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