My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You need Xanax blowdarts
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
