smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
