consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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