So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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