suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How does one acquire holy water?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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