if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want a musical about memes.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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