Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
