how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
