Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize