Only a mothe r could love this liver
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
