well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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