just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
PANTIES FOUND
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