There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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