It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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