ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
