So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
