I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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