does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
