Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
