On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
