i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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