I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
