Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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