I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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