I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
