I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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