This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
