I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
