I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just cut my nipple shaving
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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