shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
