My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
