I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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