Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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