I'm gonna have a badass scar
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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