So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
