Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
