I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
