He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
