the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
