He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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