Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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