and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
